There is always a Choice to Turn Back towards Restoration…

Posts tagged ‘Rejection’

The Problem of Loneliness

Even though i got the heading typed in last week, i didn’t take time to scribe what i had in mind. Finally, here it is…

In my early school years, I remember walking through the school grounds on the way to school, looking down, yet blurry in my vision because of the tears in my eyes, which I refused to let roll out of eyes, and talking to myself, and most importantly, alone. I again remember the times i used to spend my time on vacations at home with my cousins and with my brothers, still in my own world, fighting my own battles from within. From those days, it still haunted me all the way through college and it became worse. I started doing everything of my own. Less are the days i remember going out with friends, and many times physically with them,  but my soul was somewhere. By the end of the college i became a person who hated myself, who hates my picture, and who believed that “i was born to suffer, alone”. As the years passed things changed, I would add “Drastically changed”. To something better. I pray and i hope that whatever i write, relates to our normal life, and speaks to your life and me too.

One way to explain  loneliness would be, being locked up in a solitary confinement  for a very long time, without much ray of light or hope, and being unable to get out because you are locked from outside, so much so that you start believing that this is all there is to life, and you get so used to the confined system that you force yourself to satisfy yourself, even though the inner self yearns for freedom. Freedom looks like a distant dream. All what you hear around is nothing, but silence which would seem like it would also                          have a tone and a rhythm to it. 

something(someone)’s missing… I find this phrase very apt to the meaning of loneliness. I struggled with this, for long years in my early young years, now that you know that I’m still young. In my earlier blog, I’d explained about the lack of love I felt in my growing up years. Loneliness was another close friend of mine. Was i lacking love or someone who can loveDid I just want a person or did I just want a feeling of love? NO! I needed both…. I needed both… As I found none to give that love, I found myself alone, desperate, sometimes frustrated and angry at self, and looking to the heavens asking “WHY?”. As I became sexually active, I started looking out for that someone, yet in the expression of desperation, my proposals were not the best in

expression I would say, I was not myself, I was nobody. It was all rejected or ignored. That dragged me even deeper into difficult times ahead. More time alone, more time pleasing myself, more time, crying in silence. Nobody knew, nobody knew, even though my mother knew that something was not right, that was all there was which I would let her know. By the early days of 2007, I became the most silent, isolated person who could never look a woman in her eye without an immoral, sexual thought going in my head. I didn’t struggle against it even though it was wrong. At least in that way I pleased myself, not realizing that I was destroying myself. I wouldn’t say that I was the best to tackle with loneliness. Yet as years passed by, I started seeing another side of loneliness.

Attention.. The times alone tweaked and twisted my thinking and perspectives through which i looked at my life and at situations around me. Same with anyone. Loneliness has a lot to do with negative emotions and frustrations which poison the mind and make the heart wicked. In that pursuit of being accepted and being someone, we see doing things completely out of the ordinary. Bullies in schools and colleges are a result of this. Rejection at home or loneliness which is hunting him/her. It is the negative extrovert response to fight and to make sure that he/she is not alone. Sometimes we put ornaments or makeups or piercing or even to the extend of allowing others to  violate their bodies/privacy. But when we draw ourselves from the crowd and become alone, we will feel emptiness and we still feel something is missing and we try to figure it out in our loneliness like written above, like a cycle.

As i was writing this blog, i came across the lyrics of a song of which i shall leave the artist unnamed

What the h* am I doing? Is there anyone left in my life?
What the f* was I thinking? Anybody want to tell me I’m fine?
Where the h* am I going? Do I even need a reason to hide?
I am only betrayed! I am only conditioned to die!

All this kind of music, stirs the pain and struggle again and makes it worse than giving a remedy.

In my life along the way, I started being involved in disgusting sexual chat sessions and nude materials. i started doing different things, different styles,attitudes, or even movements to receive attention, ultimately trying to find a remedy to loneliness. Facebook or even this blog could be one, but in the darkest times of my life, the Brightest Light shined and Screamed into my life with intensity overthrowing darkness and even death. That LIGHT helped me and it is because of Which, because of Whom I’m able to share with you even my difficulties and struggles boldly and confess “THERE IS A HOPE”.

The loneliest moment in life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down. – Ravi Zacharias.

This very much stays true in my life when i look back. Very often I quote Ravi for many times what he speaks relate with many parts of my life. In his book from “Walking from East to West“, he shares the personal struggles which he went through and the rescue plan in his life by Someone.

Life as we know it, is temporary. So is everything else around us. At some point of time, either it leaves us or we go leaving it behind. In this small time, do we have to struggle with loneliness and seek attention anymore, when there is Someone with whom we will NEVER BE ALONE, not only for this life, but for the life after, for all eternity. I don’t know what you think about GOD or what have others told you about Him. He is real in my life. He started working in my life evidently and visibly in the last few years. And when i look back i see that He was preparing me through all the difficult times i went through for something better, for something greater. Jesus who was and is God came to earth 2000 years ago in bodily form, lived as a human, went through the experiences of all the experiences in its highest intensity and finally did died the most cruel and bloody death in the entire human history. He knew what was it to be left alone in pain and suffering. And on the third day HE ROSE AGAIN from the grave, CONQUERING EVERYTHING NEGATIVE, even DEATH. HE was saying that  I AM WITH YOU FOREVER, EVEN DEATH CANNOT SEPARATE US. This crazy God who is full of love, changed my life for ever. 

My dear Friend, Jesus says “I will never leave you nor forsake you. . . And I will NOT leave you as orphans”. The things that i did and on which I tried to find comfort passed away. Whether may it be relationship, materials, comfort, property, or even my very body. But in a strong healthy family one thing always remains, no matter what. RELATIONSHIP. Yet even that is temporary in today’s world, except with One person. Jesus Christ. He loves you so much that He died for you and came back to life so that He can be in a relationship with you making sure that You are NEVER ALONE….

The more i spend time alone with God, the more I realize that I am NEVER alone. So kicks out the necessity of anything else, so excludes the necessity of drawing attention, so renews to capacity and ability to be yourself where ever you are.



LOVE in RELATIONSHIP – responding to “Live in Relationship”

LOVE, such a crazy thing.

 Something which runs most of us crazy, which makes us do weird things for someone else, something that kicks and wakes us up every morning for some of us, for some of us it’s a hope for every morning, and many times too difficult to put in mere words, but to express. The very word “LOVE” in someway invokes something inside us, like LOVE is something which we missed somewhere in the past and now, what our heart is seeking and yearning for.

 As i was thinking of writing about it in the morning, i was struggling so hard to get a start up line, or how to start it all, and well, here i am. I’m just writing this backed up with prayer in my spirit so that right words come in place in a flow, so that the message which i have in my heart is conveyed.

 What I’m about to present here have a lot to do with my life experiences and the decisions that i took and the choices which i made, some of them right, and most of them wrong. I won’t be sharing my life story here though, but some other time. However, i might pull up some experiences which i went through so that you could relate with what I’m sharing here.

 Born and raised in a Christian home, living my childhood, but very interesting and painful at the same time, to realize that in most of the memories which i have of the past, i was alone, crying to sleep and without the experience of Love. Yet i don’t deny that there were happy times in my growing up years, which i hardly remember to be specific. But somewhere, I missed love which my heart was seeking, even though i was surrounded by my family members, something that was unquenchable(so i thought). As early as in my 5th grade, i started searching for love outside the family, in girls. That longing and thirst for love and acceptance was so strong and intense that it just blew away the convictions n’ values i was taught, and to which i used to hold on to for early years. This continued till recently, till 2011 to be specific. From the last five months of 2011, I’ve found myself accepted and loved which my heart was seeking for in one place, or rather, One Being.

 I believe, there are many of us out there with similar experience or maybe sometimes with a deeper, and stronger thirst for Love. It’s in fact the very reason, the world is how it is as of now. I believe that Black Eyed Peas agrees with me in their song, “Where is the Love “[few lines was eliminated]


People killing, people dying, Children hurtin’, hear them crying, Can you practice what you preach, Or would you turn the other cheek, Father father father father, Send some guidance from above, ‘Cause people got me, got me questioning, Where is the love
I think the whole world’s addicted to the drama, Only attracted to things that will bring you trauma

Is the world insane, If love and peace is so strong, Why the pieces of love don’t belong,
Nations dropping bombs, Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones,
With ongoing suffering as the youth are young, So ask yourself is the lovin’ really gone,
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong, The world that we’re living in,
People keep on giving in, Making wrong decisions only visions of the dividend,
Not respecting each other, Denying thy brother. 

A war going on, but the reasons undercover, The truth is kept secret, It’s swept under the rug
———If you never know truth then you never know love——–
Most of us only care about money makin’
Selfishness got us following the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids want to act like what they see in the cinemas

Whatever happened to the values of humanity, Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, We spreading animosity, Lack of understanding, Leading us away from unity

 I’m just wondering that the songwriter must have really thought about what he is writing. I would say, he/she is spot on. Where is our love ?!

 It’s so true that we, especially youngsters struggle with lack acceptance, affirmation, affection and identity. We struggle, we try to find first in our family, because parents struggle with the same things and in addition to that ,they are struggling and striving to live together due to lack of finance, problems in relationships or violence at home.

Then we look outside. From a guys view, we look for love, affection, acceptance and appreciation from “the girl”, not knowing that “the girl ” have needs of her own. She tries to make him feel special and appreciated, but till how long. In that way, both the guy and girl enters into a relationship with an expectation from each other, in other words a need to be met from each other. And we begin the relationship using each other for our needs which were unmet and unfulfilled. It’s not a surprise that there more divorces and broken relationships around us than ever before. Because we enter into the relationship and then into a marriage with an expectation. But as the years go by, we begin to realize that the partner cannot satisfy or fill the empty space within, and we feel like there is no more live. I have one of my friends in Netherlands who had been married for over 20 years, but now divorced for the reason that he doesn’t have the love for the woman anymore and she doesn’t feel it. The find it had to move on together. Now, husband has moved on, the lady is left with her son. As the son grows, it’s back to square one.

 The other side in which  many of us move is into a very private life, self-pleasing, selfish life, using with sexual or pornographic content or even more dangerous acts, trying to find pleasure in order to try fill that missing love and absence of acceptance. Interestingly enough, it starts with pictures, then videos, then chats, then in real life, and it keeps growing into more destructive habits or acts, and finally even to the extend of rape and murder.

 As i think about it, this chain of bondage and deep need of love is never broken unless Someone breaks in between who has the Unlimited Capacity to Love.

 The following are my convictions and my understanding through experience.

There was a time in my life, last year, in the middle of the night bowing down on the floor and resting my head on the sofa praying “GOD, i don’t have enough love to say that I LOVE YOU, I have squandered it all, on girls, on things, and on other things. I need You, Fill me.”

From the following day things were different, and my perspective on looking at life was different. I started experiencing love from God in abundance. There was enough love in me to pour it out to others. And God revealed few truths about love and relationships.

The main reason i wanted to be in a relationship was because I wanted that love, affirmation and acceptance. God made His entrance right into the middle of the situation and He covered me with Love so much so that I don’t have to “look for it” or “do anything for it”, but just to be still and experience His love and affection.

Just imagine of a man who has the capacity to love and who is so filled with love from God that it just spills so naturally to others. He sees people as people and spreading a unique flavor and atmosphere around him. And he doesn’t have to look to girls for satisfaction or acceptance, but he walks around satisfied and accepted as who he is by God and respecting and loving and caring the beautiful creation called “woman” as God cares for them too.

And imagine this girl who is so plugged into the love of God, that she just moves with grace, she talks with love and compassion, and takes herself with dignity with heads held high. Not have the need to be accepted because she knows she is accepted already by the Almighty GOD as who she is and she doesn’t have to gossip to grab attention or to spread rumors or lies but words of Grace, Love, and Truth.

And think about this experience in which this man and woman enters into a relationship, in marriage. That house will be so much full of love that, it’s explosions of love and peace and joy all around the neighborhood. He doesn’t need any needs to be met but a lot of love and passion to share.. She as no needs to be met by him too. Both sprinkling love like a flood and into the relationship sharing their lives, souls and bodies in holiness and peace. This Love is never failing and the relationship, never ending…

If you are asking how is it possible to receive this love of GOD, there is only one answer that can ever be offered in this world. There stands the cross of Jesus Christ who is God Himself expressing His love for you by giving up His life for you so that you may life again in His name. He rose again on the third day proclaiming that HE IS ALIVE, very much ALIVE and through the name of Jesus Christ, there is unlimited access to God’s love by which everything changes, and the world will never be the same.

With Lots of Love.


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