Even though i got the heading typed in last week, i didn’t take time to scribe what i had in mind. Finally, here it is…
In my early school years, I remember walking through the school grounds on the way to school, looking down, yet blurry in my vision because of the tears in my eyes, which I refused to let roll out of eyes, and talking to myself, and most importantly, alone. I again remember the times i used to spend my time on vacations at home with my cousins and with my brothers, still in my own world, fighting my own battles from within. From those days, it still haunted me all the way through college and it became worse. I started doing everything of my own. Less are the days i remember going out with friends, and many times physically with them, but my soul was somewhere. By the end of the college i became a person who hated myself, who hates my picture, and who believed that “i was born to suffer, alone”. As the years passed things changed, I would add “Drastically changed”. To something better. I pray and i hope that whatever i write, relates to our normal life, and speaks to your life and me too.
One way to explain loneliness would be, being locked up in a solitary confinement for a very long time, without much ray of light or hope, and being unable to get out because you are locked from outside, so much so that you start believing that this is all there is to life, and you get so used to the confined system that you force yourself to satisfy yourself, even though the inner self yearns for freedom. Freedom looks like a distant dream. All what you hear around is nothing, but silence which would seem like it would also have a tone and a rhythm to it.
something(someone)’s missing… I find this phrase very apt to the meaning of loneliness. I struggled with this, for long years in my early young years, now that you know that I’m still young. In my earlier blog, I’d explained about the lack of love I felt in my growing up years. Loneliness was another close friend of mine. Was i lacking love or someone who can love ? Did I just want a person or did I just want a feeling of love? NO! I needed both…. I needed both… As I found none to give that love, I found myself alone, desperate, sometimes frustrated and angry at self, and looking to the heavens asking “WHY?”. As I became sexually active, I started looking out for that someone, yet in the expression of desperation, my proposals were not the best in
expression I would say, I was not myself, I was nobody. It was all rejected or ignored. That dragged me even deeper into difficult times ahead. More time alone, more time pleasing myself, more time, crying in silence. Nobody knew, nobody knew, even though my mother knew that something was not right, that was all there was which I would let her know. By the early days of 2007, I became the most silent, isolated person who could never look a woman in her eye without an immoral, sexual thought going in my head. I didn’t struggle against it even though it was wrong. At least in that way I pleased myself, not realizing that I was destroying myself. I wouldn’t say that I was the best to tackle with loneliness. Yet as years passed by, I started seeing another side of loneliness.
Attention.. The times alone tweaked and twisted my thinking and perspectives through which i looked at my life and at situations around me. Same with anyone. Loneliness has a lot to do with negative emotions and frustrations which poison the mind and make the heart wicked. In that pursuit of being accepted and being someone, we see doing things completely out of the ordinary. Bullies in schools and colleges are a result of this. Rejection at home or loneliness which is hunting him/her. It is the negative extrovert response to fight and to make sure that he/she is not alone. Sometimes we put ornaments or makeups or piercing or even to the extend of allowing others to violate their bodies/privacy. But when we draw ourselves from the crowd and become alone, we will feel emptiness and we still feel something is missing and we try to figure it out in our loneliness like written above, like a cycle.
As i was writing this blog, i came across the lyrics of a song of which i shall leave the artist unnamed
What the h* am I doing? Is there anyone left in my life?
What the f* was I thinking? Anybody want to tell me I’m fine?
Where the h* am I going? Do I even need a reason to hide?
I am only betrayed! I am only conditioned to die!
All this kind of music, stirs the pain and struggle again and makes it worse than giving a remedy.
In my life along the way, I started being involved in disgusting sexual chat sessions and nude materials. i started doing different things, different styles,attitudes, or even movements to receive attention, ultimately trying to find a remedy to loneliness. Facebook or even this blog could be one, but in the darkest times of my life, the Brightest Light shined and Screamed into my life with intensity overthrowing darkness and even death. That LIGHT helped me and it is because of Which, because of Whom I’m able to share with you even my difficulties and struggles boldly and confess “THERE IS A HOPE”.
The loneliest moment in life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down. – Ravi Zacharias.
This very much stays true in my life when i look back. Very often I quote Ravi for many times what he speaks relate with many parts of my life. In his book from “Walking from East to West“, he shares the personal struggles which he went through and the rescue plan in his life by Someone.
Life as we know it, is temporary. So is everything else around us. At some point of time, either it leaves us or we go leaving it behind. In this small time, do we have to struggle with loneliness and seek attention anymore, when there is Someone with whom we will NEVER BE ALONE, not only for this life, but for the life after, for all eternity. I don’t know what you think about GOD or what have others told you about Him. He is real in my life. He started working in my life evidently and visibly in the last few years. And when i look back i see that He was preparing me through all the difficult times i went through for something better, for something greater. Jesus who was and is God came to earth 2000 years ago in bodily form, lived as a human, went through the experiences of all the experiences in its highest intensity and finally did died the most cruel and bloody death in the entire human history. He knew what was it to be left alone in pain and suffering. And on the third day HE ROSE AGAIN from the grave, CONQUERING EVERYTHING NEGATIVE, even DEATH. HE was saying that I AM WITH YOU FOREVER, EVEN DEATH CANNOT SEPARATE US. This crazy God who is full of love, changed my life for ever.
My dear Friend, Jesus says “I will never leave you nor forsake you. . . And I will NOT leave you as orphans”. The things that i did and on which I tried to find comfort passed away. Whether may it be relationship, materials, comfort, property, or even my very body. But in a strong healthy family one thing always remains, no matter what. RELATIONSHIP. Yet even that is temporary in today’s world, except with One person. Jesus Christ. He loves you so much that He died for you and came back to life so that He can be in a relationship with you making sure that You are NEVER ALONE….
The more i spend time alone with God, the more I realize that I am NEVER alone. So kicks out the necessity of anything else, so excludes the necessity of drawing attention, so renews to capacity and ability to be yourself where ever you are.
ONLY WHEN WE LOOK TO GOD AND THROUGH GOD, OUR LIFE WITH SUFFERINGS WILL MAKES SENSE !